On June 14, 2024, I asked a question on Facebook, expecting responses from ladies. Many men also answered, but I am using the ladies’ responses in this presentation. The original question will appear at the end of this article.
I am presenting the combined and organized responses of the ladies that were kind enough to participate in this exercise. Ladies, I appreciate the transparency and sincerity of your responses. It appears to me that the overarching issue is FEAR, with several sub-headings. Fear of the unknown possibilities. Fear of physical danger. Fear of a loss of identity. Fear of a loss of power. Fear of the loss of self-determination. All are included in the following concerns that were raised by the participating ladies.
- The apparent lack of good, true, Christian men.
- The incompetence of husbands to reliably function in their God given role as provider, protector, presider, and peacemaker.
- The additional burden placed upon wives as they compensate or suffer because of the husband’s failure to perform his duties.
- Being expected to submit to an incompetent man is degrading, a form of martyrdom, and comparative slavery for the wife and family.
- For a man to force or command his wife to be in submission to him is a form of spousal abuse.
- Submitting to a mere man is degrading, humiliating and leaves a woman feeling less than a man, with no voice, no power, and no sense of self-worth or value.
My response is divided into 3 points: A. Legitimacy, B. Cause, C. Correcting the path.
A. LEGITIMACY
I endorse the concerns of these ladies; they represent a majority of the good women of America and a large part of the world. It would indeed, be foolish blindness to deny that there are many issues that affect women and children because of the failure of men to stand in their place righteously, justly, and graciously. I have personally witnessed the failure of good men to meet their potential and responsibility. It is extremely difficult for good men (men who love the Lord, their wives and family, who are reliable and responsible) to faithfully lead their family, when our entire culture denies men the tools and motivation to do so. This is primarily so because most men do not know what their God designed role is in marriage. Unfortunately, most men back down into a position of complacency that then places a much greater burden upon their wives. I have personally paid an exorbitant price for standing on truth that is countercultural, rather than backing down into complacency. Are there tyrannical, dictatorial, abusive men and husbands? Yes, there are! Are they representative of the majority of men and husbands? No, they are not, but they do taint the image of men in general, so that all men are suspect in the eyes of women in our culture.
The cause is that we have been trying to build a marital building of God’s design by using the Devil’s blueprints.
John Whitten
B. CAUSE
Men and women suffer emotional, spiritual, and sometimes physical pain in marriage relationships. That reality manifests itself in men and women playing the “blame game” rather than seeking the root cause of the problem. Placing blame does nothing to correct the problem and nothing or no one will change as a result of blaming the other spouse. Men and women, pay a tremendous price in pain and suffering when we allow the culture to dictate our behavior and role in our family, rather than following God’s design for marriage and family. We must correct our course to have good results. To do this we must identify the cause of the problem. I know it is very difficult for women to understand a man’s nature and equally difficult for men to understand a woman’s nature. It becomes even more difficult when we allow the continuingly changing, worldly culture to dictate and define what our natures and roles are. I am writing this article for good men and women who desire to do right, to have a happy marriage and family, blessed by God. Others, who do not have a righteous relationship with God, may benefit somewhat from this information, but a right relationship with God is the key to marital success and happiness. Here is the cause of our problems, “We think we know what God designed our roles to be in marriage”, but in reality, we have been sold and served a lie. The cause is that we have been trying to build a marital building of God’s design by using the Devil’s blueprints. We have NOT thoroughly studied the scripture on the matter for ourselves, under the teaching ministry of The Holy Spirit of God. We have been deceived by Satan to view our spouses and our roles through the lenses of the worldly point of view rather than God’s point of view, presented by Him in the Bible.
C. CORRECTING THE PATH
Jesus said, “And ye shall know the truth and the truth shall make you free.” John 8:32. God’s Word, God’s truth is the key to not only marital success, but also for every aspect of our Christian life. To correct the path of our suffering marriages, it is essential that we are confronted with His truth. This is found only in the Bible, not in commentaries on the Bible, not in the myriads of self-help books on marriage, not even in “Christian” media programs and also, not in my writing. I encourage you to pray and search the Scripture for yourself. I am presenting this information as an effort to help you and others to see that there is a need for a Biblical point of view rather than the traditional view that we have been erroneously taught as being Biblical and Christian. What I bring to you is not what I would have chosen on my own. I, like you, prefer to choose the path of least resistance. However, God’s way is always best. I’ve discovered that if you want Paula Deen’s peach cobbler, you must follow her recipe. If you don’t, you may get a cobbler, but it won’t have her excellence. Here’s the problem. Women assume that wifely submission is a man’s idea and desire.
Men assume that it is their responsibility to enforce a wife’s submission to him. Both are completely wrong. Wives are not to submit to their husbands because he demands it, but because God Himself said it is His will for them to be in submission to their own husbands and to hold them in reverence. God’s instruction to wives is not determined by the husband’s performance or attitude. God does not even require that the husband be a believer for his Christian wife to be in submission to him. For a wife to be in genuine submission to her husband, she must first be in sincere submission to her Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ. If she is not in submission to her husband, then she is also, not in submission to the Lord Jesus Christ. There is no wiggle room in this conclusion. In the same vein, a husband does not have the authority to demand or coerce his wife to be in submission to him. It is God’s design and God’s authority, for God’s daughter. If a good, Christian man is walking in obedience and submission to his Lord, Jesus Christ, he will not usurp God’s authority over God’s own daughter. If such a husband has a wife who is not submissive to him, the problem is not between him and her, it is between Her and God. Therefore, the husband’s proper response is to continue doing his duty regarding his God given purpose and to love her the way that Christ loves His churches. God did not give husbands an excuse not to love her. The love commanded by God transcends her behavior, her attitude, her physical appearance, as well as her spiritual status. In truth, it is her spiritual status that is the sphere that a husband works in to overcome a rebelling, resisting wife. Pray for her, demonstrate godliness to her, love her like Jesus does any of His erring children, and above all keep on in his God given calling. Only the Holy Spirit can change an erring spouse; husband, or wife. Efforts made in the energy of the flesh can only have short-term effectiveness and are doomed to long-term failure. Wives and husbands who usurp the Lord’s authority in dealing with their spouse’s behavior are being disobedient to the Lord Jesus Christ. It is a spiritual problem, and it requires a spiritual solution.
“Nevertheless let every one of you in particular so love his wife even as himself; and the wife see that she reverence her husband.”
Ephesians 5:33
“All scripture is given by inspiration of God, and is profitable for doctrine, for reproof, for correction, for instruction in righteousness: That the man of God may be perfect, throughly furnished unto all good works.”
2 Timothy 3:16,17
“Likewise, ye wives, be in subjection to your own husbands; that, if any obey not the word, they also may without the word be won by the conversation of the wives; While they behold your chaste conversation coupled with fear.”
1 Peter 3:1,2
Original question
“I’ve a serious question. I know the Bible answer. What I am seeking is the logic used by many Christian wives that are in this scenario. No bullying Please. I just want to understand the logic. Why is it that so many Christian wives who are married to good men, claim to be walking in obedience to the Lord, but do not fully submit to their own husband when it is God Himself that instructs the wives submission to their own husbands in Ephesians 5? If God says to do so, why not do it?