“Wives, submit yourselves unto your own husbands, as unto the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife, even as Christ is the head of the church: and he is the saviour of the body. Therefore as the church is subject unto Christ, so let the wives be to their own husbands in every thing. Husbands, love your wives, even as Christ also loved the church, and gave himself for it; that he might sanctify and cleanse it with the washing of water by the word, that he might present it to himself a glorious church, not having spot, or wrinkle, or any such thing; but that it should be holy and without blemish. So ought men to love their wives as their own bodies. He that loveth his wife loveth himself. For no man ever yet hated his own flesh; but nourisheth and cherisheth it, even as the Lord the church: for we are members of his body, of his flesh, and of his bones. For this cause shall a man leave his father and mother, and shall be joined unto his wife, and they two shall be one flesh. This is a great mystery: but I speak concerning Christ and the church. Nevertheless let every one of you in particular so love his wife even as himself; and the wife see that she reverence her husband.” Ephesians 5:22-33
Recently the thought of how difficult it must be for a wife to submit herself to her husband paraded through my mind, closely followed by the accompanying question of, “would it be easier to submit to her husband if she revered him first”? I wrote myself a note to read Ephesians 5 when I got home. Little reminders are very helpful. However, as I read the scripture passage above, I noticed that the idea of submission and reverencing are not closely linked. Yet, it seemed that it would be far easier to submit to someone respected, revered and trusted than to merely submit out of obligation or duty. As I have recently read, again, respect and trust must be earned and are not a right. Still God instructed the Apostle to write, “revere”, not respect or trust. Is there a difference? I believe there is. Revere comes from the Greek word “phobeo”, and is used in the same sense as fearing the Lord. It is a response to the person of God or the husband in this case. We are not being taught to be terrified of God or husbands, but to hold them in the highest esteem and be afraid to displease them. Not as terror but as disappointment. Respect and trust are based upon performance, but reverence is based upon the person.
In the United States, women generally marry a man of their choice, not by parental arrangement. I wonder if a woman married a man that she chose to marry, did she do so because she felt that he was raw material that she could shape into a “real man”, or did she marry a man she adored and loved? If she married with the expectation of shaping him, she played the fool and has no complaint if her marriage isn’t all she desires. If she married because she loved and respected her husband, when did he become unworthy of the commanded reverence? He may have not lived up to her expectations or his promises that they both had in their youth. Did he betray her hopes or perhaps her trust? He may have; factually couples start life with very unrealistic expectations. Some expectations or dreams, no one can fulfill, he or she.
In this passage God instructs husbands and wives in the business of marriage. He (God) has the right to do so, by virtue of His office as Creator and Redeemer. If we desire a blessed marriage, then we had better follow the instructions. If we don’t follow the instructions, then we should just shut up and bear it quietly, when our way fails us. In His instructions husbands are told to love their wives, with no allowance given as to whether they are loveable or not. Do the letters PMS mean anything to us? Men we are not given a pass for those days when our wives are feeling miserable and cranky. It’s not their fault and God expects us to act like Him and love our own beloved when they aren’t acting lovely.
Our Lord also instructs wives to submit to their own husbands, without qualifying the man’s worthiness of that submission. A pastor in Nigeria, Adeolu Olusodo, said something like this, if a wife submits when she is in agreement with her husband, it really isn’t submission. If she submits when she disagrees or doesn’t understand, then it really is submission; sorry I couldn’t find the complete quote. God also tells wives to reverence their husband, this is compatible with submission, but it is a higher degree of compliance or co-operation. Can we expect a wife to submit to and reverence her husband if she is smarter and more able than he? Can we expect her to yield to him if she is convinced that he is wrong? The answer to these questions is, YES. Not because she has no choice, but because God has commanded it and she has the choice to obey God and reverence Him. I am suspecting that most wives that do not respect, trust and revere their husbands fail to do so because of their lack of reverence for God. Truly, love and reverence for God is our highest motivation for our obeying His Word. If we revere God we will do as He says regardless of the qualifications of the husbands. In the same vein, if we men will revere God and obey Him, we will love our wives at all times, regardless of appearance, age or disposition.
Loving God makes submitting to and revering husbands much easier. Loving God makes loving and honoring wives a delightful experience. It’s time for us, men and women, to stop complaining about our spouses and correct the matter, by correcting ourselves, beginning with our genuine love for God and His Word. When we love Him, loving others is easy, because He loves through us.