MARRIAGE GOD’S WAY – SURPRISE
Having just entered the 72nd year of my journey through this life, I have much less concern about the effect of the opinions of others on my life. Because that is so, I approach this topic with bold carelessness.
INTRODUCTION
It is my conclusion, after nearly fifty years in pastoral ministry, in seven churches, in six states in the USA that the most common contribution to marital problems among Christians is, a failure of most wives to reverence their husbands. We are all probably familiar with the famous passage of Ephesians 5:22-33, that carefully spells out the responsibility of both husbands and wives. I will particularly focus on verse 33, because it is the sum of the whole passage. “Nevertheless let every one of you in particular so love his wife even as himself; and the wife see that she reverence her husband.” It is the conclusion of my observations and investigation that most wives do NOT reverence their husbands, for one cannot be critical and reverent at the same time.
ADVISORY
Please note that I am using comparative terms such as “some”, “most”, “many”. I am not using words like “all”, “every”, or “each”. While I sincerely believe my conclusions are accurate and reflect on the great majority of Christian marriages, I certainly realize the foolishness of painting every husband or wife with the same broad paintbrush. Of course there are exceptions. Thankfully, there are men and women who recognize the truth of the Biblical description of marriage and have or are implementing these principles to the best of their ability. I am happy to have personally known some of them. Therefore, please do not assail me with how this or that exception should be considered. If I dealt with every possible exception, this article would be well beyond the reading tolerance of most readers. I may be pushing the limit as it is.
DESIGN
God designed marriage with structure that replicates His relationship with His creation. We are created in His image and likeness, Genesis 1-2. Just as the Father, Son, and the Holy Spirit have unique and complimentary roles, so do husbands and wives. In His design, husbands are the head of the wife, wives are in a role of submission to his headship. These roles were not designed to function on the basis of feeling, but rather on the basis of organizational structure. Each person in their place doing their job, and fulfilling their responsibility. 1 Corinthians 11:3 “But I would have you know, that the head of every man is Christ; and the head of the woman is the man; and the head of Christ is God.” This passage clearly lays out the design structure for marriage, a structure that is repeated other places by precept and example throughout the Bible. The husband is the head of the wife, BUT Christ is the head of the man. This is the organizational structure, but we must always remember, both husbands and wives have a head. No one is a law unto themselves. A ceremony and a certificate do not constitute godly marriage. If they did, the marriage would last as long as the paper. Today there are far too many divorces and failed marriages because there is a focus on the ceremony and certificate, when really it should be about commitment. What makes a godly Christian marriage is a commitment to God, to fulfilling the designated designed roles and functioning in the spirit of God’s purpose. Quitting is not an option.
FUNCTION
God has designed marriage to function under authority, but not on the basis of law, force, or legalism. 1 John 4:8 tells us that God is love and in replication of our Lord’s relationship to His creation, marriage is to function in the environment of love. Love for God and love for spouses is to be the rule rather than the exception. Anytime we endeavor to make a marriage work out of fear or force or even grudgingly we have missed the functionality of God’s design. Wives: almost every time the role of each spouse is mentioned in the New Testament the role of the wife is mentioned first, just as it is in Ephesians 5. I believe this is done because of the importance of the wife’s role in marriage and family. Someone once said that the husband may be the head, but the wife is the neck that turns it. I would rather say that she is the neck that supports the head, giving it mobility to do it’s work. That is more in keeping with the function of a wife. In Genesis 2:18 “And the Lord God said, It is not good that the man should be alone; I will make him an help meet for him.” According to God’s Word, a wife is to be a help to her husband, one that is meet for him, that is one that is comparable to him. She is not inferior to the man or she would not be meet for him, nor would she be much of a help to him. She is also not superior to him for the same reasons. The beloved wife, bone of his bones and flesh of his flesh is meet for him, BUT her role is subject to her husband’s authority and leadership (headship), even though in her person she is his equal and his compliment. For a dear wife to subvert her husbands headship is tantamount to subverting God, for He designed the roles. Her role is one of aid, support, comfort, encouragement, companionship, and so much more great value that only a dear woman of God may supply. She is to aid him in his God given task or call, without having an alternative task of her own that may retard her aid to her husband. She is to aid him in the great work of producing children and populating the Earth. In this task, she has the most significant role and the greatest influence on the next generation.
Husbands: are called upon by God to function in His design by portraying Christ in his marriage. This is not an ego boosting position, but rather one of fear and caution, for it is the greatest responsibility that a man may endeavor to fulfill. While it may seem out of place, a husband’s first order of responsibility is not to his wife, but to his Head, Christ. Modern marriage counselors may focus on the husband/wife relationship, but they would be missing the very foundation on which marriage was established. In Genesis 2, God gave man a job, then He created his wife to help him. A wife cannot be a help if her husband does not have his job from God. So, I maintain that a husband’s first responsibility is to be about the work that God has given him to do. Along with what ever task that may be, he also has the responsibility of providing for, protecting his wife and family, and leading them in a godly lifestyle of service to the Lord. This is a large order and will require a man’s complete dedication to God and family. There is no such position as part-time husband and servant of God. A husband’s second level of commitment after God is to his wife. She is to come before children, parents, friends, employers, and personal recreational pursuits. She is to be most important to him, next to their Lord, whom they both serve. In the marital relationship the husband bears the responsibility of leadership and authority. He is the one to answer the door when trouble calls and he is the one who answers for the decisions he makes. God holds the husband responsible for his wife and family.
SPIRIT
A marriage, like a fine Swiss watch, is a wonderful thing to behold when all the parts are in place and working as designed. However, when one or both are not functioning according to God’s design the beauty is marred and peace is lost. God designed marriage to be the closest thing to Heaven on Earth, but when the function is marred by an out of kilter spirit it can be closer to Hell than Heaven. Most Christian marriages today are vacillating somewhere between the two extremes, usually bouncing around, just out of the Hell category.
Romance: has actually done more to damage Christian marriage than it has ever helped. Romance is about a man and woman’s love for each other. While love for each other is involved in Christian marriage it is not the foundation. The foundation for Christian marriage is love for God. When Christians are married and love God, they will do marriage God’s way. Unfortunately, most Christians do not know what that is. I have dealt with some of it in the design and function segments, but without the spirit of God’s design, even Christian marriages can be a hollow shell of misery and hopelessness. Romance is ooey, gooey sentimentality whereas the love that God has for the marriage relationship is based on Him and not the spouses. Love for each other results from the marriage being based on love for God, not the cause of it.
Reality: is that romance is a poor foundation for marriage. Doing the will of God is the best foundation for everything and particularly marriage. To operate within God’s design for marriage and to effectively function, it is necessary to understand the spirit which we must embrace for His purpose. The Ephesian passage listed in the introduction is most commonly used to identify marital roles. I have put the text of the passage at the end of this article. Emphasis is usually given to wives submitting to husbands and husbands loving wives as Christ loved His church and gave Himself for it. Some translations, unfortunately add the word “up” to the last phrase, saying, as Christ loved His church and gave Himself up for it. As a result many modern teachers and preachers declare that a husband is to be willing to give his life for his wife and in lieu of physically dieing, he should sacrifice anything to make her happy. I have heard many recorded speakers at Promise Keepers meetings present that precise message. Jesus did not die for churches, He died for sinners. When He gave Himself for His churches, He gave Himself to be the head of each, He took upon Himself the responsibility of a husband to a bride. Bluntly put, a dead husband is of no value to anyone. The modern concept of a husband dieing to self for his wife is the stuff of romance, not the reality of Christian marriage. Husbands, if they are to fulfill God’s design must always put God first, then function as a husband. To follow the romance format is to put the wife ahead of the will and glory of God. It effectively makes the wife an idol to be adored and worshiped.
Modern feminism has as it’s goal to radically change God’s design for marriage, to the extent that most leaders want to do away with marriage and family altogether. One of their most effect efforts is to convince men and women that women are to be exalted to such a position of power and authority that they would be adored and worshiped as the superior gender. Some radical feminist leaders have claimed that men be reduced to only 10% of the human population. Romance is very supportive of the feminist concept of female superiority. But, did you notice that such is in direct contrast to God’s design for marriage? God designed husbands to be the head and wives to be their aides. Feminism and romance has invaded Christian thought and institutions to the degree that Christian marriage is no longer taught in most churches and Christian colleges and universities. Married people are being taught that wives only need to submit to their husbands as long as they are being good husbands and doing right. Oddly, the wives are the ones who are (supposedly) entitled to decide if their husbands are worthy of their allegiance. And, if they are not, they may legitimately divorce them for a variety of reasons. Concurrently, husbands are finding it easier and easier to not love their wives because the dear ladies are crass and not lovable. Romance fails because it is based on emotion and infatuation that, at best, is unstable as water. Reality based on love for God has wives saying, I will submit to my husbands headship because that is what my Lord Jesus said to do. As well husbands will say I will love my wife because that is what my Lord Jesus said to do. In Ephesians 5 we are instructed fulfill our designed role, not based on circumstances or on the performance of the spouse, but because that is what the Lord taught us to do. We fulfill the spirit of our role regardless of whether our spouse does or not. We don’t love someone because of their qualities, but because of the spiritual quality of our own heart. We love because God has put His love in us. As our Lord loved us when we were yet sinners, so we love our spouse from our reserve not because of their qualities. Husbands love your wives, even when the may be unlovely. Do not make her perform to your specifications to deserve your love. Your love is God’s gift to her, so do it. Love her.
Wives: do not chafe at the idea of submitting to your husband. And above all to not make his performance a condition of your submission. To do so is idolatry. You will be putting yourself in the position of being his head. He will answer to Christ, not to you. Do you, dear lady, want to usurp the authority of Christ? Please, leave the romantic notion that you are to be adored. I know that it is desirable to be wanted and adored. Such is the stuff of romance and is the fanciful delight that has the world watching the royal weddings in England. But it is not of God. Submit your self unto your own husband, not to any other man, but to your husband. Do so because the Lord said so. If you do so grudgingly, you may have done your duty, but only that. You will have missed the whole spirit of God’s design. Your submission to your husband is a reflection of the role of Christ’s churches in relation to Him. You cannot stand in judgement of your husband and be in the spirit of God’s design for marriage. To do so suggests that it is legitimate for churches to stand in Judgement of Christ. Rather, enter into the spirit of serving God as your husband’s wife by treating him as churches are to treat Christ. As said in verse 33, reverence your husband. It is impossible to criticize, judge, reprimand, or resist your husband and reverence him at the same time. But what if he is wrong? Deciding that and dealing with him about it is the responsibility of his head, the one he is called to be in submission to, Christ Jesus. Do you have a legitimate problem with your husband or concern about him being or doing right? You may well have those concerns, but do not usurp the authority of Christ. One of a wife’s responsibilities and ministries is to support her husband with prayer and a godly spirit. Bathe him in prayer, incorporate the power of God in your marital concerns. A godly wife has power with God to influence her husband for God in many areas, 1 Peter 3:1.
CONCLUSION:
Most husbands love their wives to the point of adoration. They do partly because they have been trained to do so by centuries of romantic influence and partly because God has put His love in men’s hearts for the loveliest part of His creation, women. While most men may not display that love very well, it is a reality. Women thrive on being loved and even more so on words and displays of love. Love is so important to women, they think it must also be equally important to men. That would be a mistake. In the introduction, I said that most wives do not reverence their husbands and that is correct. However, wives are very involved in loving their husbands, particularly when the men are giving them words and displays of love. Wives don’t understand why that is not as important to their men as it is to them. Here’s why, men and women are different in many ways. Husbands are to replicate Christ in the family. Does Christ want us to love Him? Yes, but before we can love Him we must first reverence Him. Hebrews 11:6 says, “But without faith it is impossible to please Him…”. He wants and requires that we believe Him if we are to please Him. Husbands desire to be believed, trusted, and reverenced by their wives much more than being loved by their wives. A godly husband will bust a gut trying to live up to the reverence of his godly wife. Wives, it is wonderful that you love your husband, but if you want to enhance your marriage and increase the sense of love you receive from your husband, reverence him and gladly submit yourself to him, not because he is worthy, but because Christ is and He requires it of you. Do this and you will see your marriage blossom and your husband will become a better man because of it. Criticism and reverence are mutually exclusive, one cannot do both with the same person.
Ephesians 5:22-33Wives, submit yourselves unto your own husbands, as unto the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife, even as Christ is the head of the church: and he is the saviour of the body. Therefore as the church is subject unto Christ, so let the wives be to their own husbands in every thing. Husbands, love your wives, even as Christ also loved the church, and gave himself for it; that he might sanctify and cleanse it with the washing of water by the word, that he might present it to himself a glorious church, not having spot, or wrinkle, or any such thing; but that it should be holy and without blemish. So ought men to love their wives as their own bodies. He that loveth his wife loveth himself. For no man ever yet hated his own flesh; but nourisheth and cherisheth it, even as the Lord the church: for we are members of his body, of his flesh, and of his bones. For this cause shall a man leave his father and mother, and shall be joined unto his wife, and they two shall be one flesh. This is a great mystery: but I speak concerning Christ and the church. Nevertheless let every one of you in particular so love his wife even as himself; and the wife see that she reverence her husband.